There are those who say – and believe – that we are all born with a “permanent age” and that they spend their lives, while moving toward it or away from it, always in it. You understand the notion: the small child who seemingly has the wisdom of a 40 year old. The 50 year old with the youthful exuberance of, well, a small child. The obvious adult who is as immature as a toddler. I wonder, then: are we all born with a “permanent size?”
If so, I am pretty sure I’m a 12. I know I’m far beyond that now – all I have to do is look in a mirror (or worse, at a photo) or try on some jeans at a store for reality to come into play. And yet, I just pain feel like a 12.
It’s interesting to add that while I must have been much smaller than that (I was a gymnast, a skier and an athlete in general), I cannot recall it. When I look at the clothing tags of my own daughter’s who are 21 and 16 respectively, I wince. The 16-year old in particular. She looks like me and acts like me. All those years I was cutting it up in school in stead of paying attention, I was saving up for the payback that is her. She’s joyous to me though, not challenging. And she’s taller than me. And yet, size five. How, I wonder, can this be? I was so much like her, surely I must have been the size once.
But I don’t recall it. Not because it was long ago, I believe, but because I was always, in my heart, a 12.
I think of 12 as a good, durable number. Sure, it’s not a prime, but it’s respectable. A 12 means you’ve got some muscle, and you’re not afraid to let loose and have a little fun. A 12 is kind of a “best all around,” in my mind. And it is, with 4 and 8 and 10 below it and 14 and 16 and 18 above it, most definitely the middle of the rack.
To me it makes sense, and I wonder if that is part of the issue of those who struggle with eating issues. Is there internal “permanent size” unrealistic? If so, is it possible to be counseled into re-wiring your “permanent size?” I did a little experiment with my youngest daughter, a teen who needed to gain weight – and did – this past summer. We emptied her closet, went shopping with a “no budget” agreement (tough for the wallet but good for her self esteem). When we got home, we cut every size tag out of the clothing, and she’s been happy in it ever since. Did I help rewire her “permanent size” or did I trick her? Whatever the case, she’s stuck with that larger size and looks wonderful. Healthy.
Of course, while I still feel like my permanent size, I am not it. Sometimes, when someone shows me a photo I am in, I gasp in shock. Who is that larger woman? I wonder. But this is what I’m choosing to think today: I feel a size 12 because I am meant to be one. And while I’ve spent the last few years moving away from it, I choose now to move back toward it. Even if it’s one tiny step – and a few rests along the way – at a time.
What’s your permanent size? Do you agree with my notion? Do share.
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4 comments:
Permanent size, absolutely. My problem is that my size doesn't really correlate to the sizes on the rack. My rear end and thighs are almost two full sizes bigger than my waist. Do I size up and have a big ugly gaping waist? Do I size down and hope the fabric has good 'give' allowing me to show off some curves? Either way, I'm constantly hovering between a couple of sizes, and have been longer than I can remember. I think our bodies are hardwired to be that size. It's when we get too far away from that natural size that we start to feel unlike ourselves.
I always think I look ok in a mirror, it's when I see a picture of myself that I realize my number in my head affects what I see in a mirror. I'm off my number.
I like to think that it is an internal good feeling we all get when we are at a healthy weight or size, and I do agree that when this feeling occurs is definitly a predisposition in each person. When you feel your body move in a way that is comfortable for you individually. You feel centered.
I have honestly reached the place where it's not the number that will matter. Maybe the number of numbers (8 instead of 28). Really, though, I'm also looking for that "feeling"~ the one where I'm not taking more than my fair share of space. The moments I look forward to have to do with every moment not being overshadowed by my obsessing about what may be hanging out where. Or walking into the GAP without imagining the sales people wondering why I'm there. I will be there at the rack, knowing that something there will fit me. And something will be too big! I love this one...leading a worship service at church and not being so self-conscious that I'm actually able to fully enter in.
So I do believe that I may have that "permanent size." I'm just not so sure that it is a number. I'm so excited to find out what that size will be!
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